Friday, 26 July 2013

Top 5 Things My Mama Never Taught Me

To clarify, I was never raised as a girly-girl, and I'm pretty sure my mum (or mom, whatever you prefer) was not a girly-girl either. All that time and concentrated focus on grooming - hair, nails, accessories - not to mention the notion that females are there to attract male attention and boost male egos - no, not for me. I can lament my lack of ability to put on make-up in any competent way but it doesn't stop me from having fun, or even to attract male attention when I want to. I do despise those Inspirational Quotes and Ho Ho Humour pics that go around Facebook, but I do chortle at the ones poking fun at women's magazines and their persistent attempt to make us women feel inadequate. You know the ones: HOW TO GET A BIKINI BODY: PUT A BIKINI ON YOUR BODY.

And weddings. That's just another can of worms. I don't understand why a woman wants to spend so much money on one day, wearing a white dress that has, let's be completely honest, NO significance in the 21st century, being handed like chattel from one man (her father) to another (her future husband), and then having some shaman (that has, let's be honest, no significance in the 21st century) say - to everyone's absolute glee, "I now pronounce you man and wife." You're a wife while your little hubbie can still be a man and have other external relationships in society.

OK, enough moaning.

I must put in the disclaimer that my mama would surely and happily have taught me how to cook, and she certainly did all the cooking in the household like a traditional mother, but it just never came up because I never expressed the inclination. I never really got into foodism until my 30s. And now I'm addicted to episodes of Come Dine With Me.

Anyway. On to the list.  

5. Other woman: "Oh, your Mama used to make the best [insert name of Mama's famous dish]! Didn't she teach you how to make it??"
Um. NO.

4. Other woman: "I just love [insert ethnic heritage relevant dish that Mama often made]. Didn't your Mama show you how to make it?"

3. Other teenage girl: "You're still using pads? Didn't your Mama show you how to use tampons?"

2. Other woman, tucking in the tag of my shirt that had been sticking out: "My Mama always told me that women have to look out for each other."

and at number 1. Me: "When I shave my legs in the shower I always miss spots because I'm not wearing my glasses."
Other woman: "Didn't your Mama show you how to shave by feel?"
Yeah, RIGHT.

And now I'm trying to remember why on earth we were talking about leg shaving in the first place.

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